Ok, I know what you're thinking. "Hey 911Girl, I'm not that dumb. I know my address. Please." Ok Ms. or Mr. Superiority Complex, maybe you're not one of the very frustrating members of society who walk around that oblivious. It doesn't mean you're safe from being mentioned on this blog! 911 operators are notorious for having pet peeves. We tend them like some people would tend a garden. I watch mine grow and just when I think there is not room for a single additional pet peeve, I get another 911 call. And wow! There it is. Lets talk about some major NO NOs when placing a 911 call.

1. Please do not call us and say "This is not an emergency, but..." Do you think I'm going to say "I only deal with emergencies, but...you're so super special I can't possibly expect you to look in the phone book or google the appropriate non emergency number! Let me just put this dog mauling in progress on hold. There now! What can I help you with?" Not gonna happen. If we're busy, I just slam you on hold. (We're always busy. You'll be on hold pretty much till, well, forever.) If we're not busy, I give you the non emergency number. If I'm really in a bad mood, I tell you exactly where in the phone book to look for the non emergency number. Please, please, please. Look up your local police department's non emergency number right now. Program it in your cell phone. BAM! You are instantly one full evolutionary step ahead of the cretins who call 911 and commit this ultimate of sins.

2. Please do not call 911 to report that your neighbors are playing loud music. Frustrating? Incredibly. Emergency? Not unless the bass has vibrated the picture hanging above your bed right off the wall, where it smashed on your face and you now have shards of glass embedded in your eyeballs. I work the graveyard shift, so I get plenty of noise complaints on 911 lines. I totally sympathize with the trying-to-sleep vs Bohemian Rhapsody for the 27th time in a row. I sleep during the day, when most of society thinks its ok to do things like blare the music or let the dog bark himself hoarse. But being frustrated does not turn something into an emergency. If that was possible, people would rush to MY aid every time I took one of these stupid calls. Non emergency number, please!

3. Please don't scream at me to "Send the police! Hurry, hurry!" over and over without providing any other information. First of all, sending the police is my job. It is what I do. My sole purpose, my main function, my every reason for sitting in that chair 8-12 hours a day, five days a week. You really don't have to tell me to do it. Its a given, lets move on now! Tell me why I'm sending the police and why they need to hurry. You wouldn't believe how many people think police respond to everything full lights and sirens, guns drawn. I know we have shows like Cops to thank for this. But if you're reporting that someone broke into your car sometime within the past 24 hours, the police aren't going to "Hurry! Hurry!". In most of the cities 911 handles, they won't even come. We offer online police reports that you fill out yourselves. You heard me. We don't have enough officers to come to the rescue of everyone who leaves their wallets, Ipods, hunting rifles, etc in their vehicles in plain view overnight and figure everything will be just fine. Sorry. Also, this qualifies as a non emergency. If I'm in a bad mood (like the other night when someone stole my butter pecan ice cream out of the freezer in the break room), I will tell you to call back on non emergency, make you look that number up in the phone book, and then when you call back, I'll have non emergency tell you that you have to file the report on line. So don't yell at me. I don't like it and I'm kind of passive aggressive. It doesn't make me want to help you.

4. Please don't give your old cell phone to your baby to play with. Aside from being astoundingly unsanitary, if that phone is charged, it can call 911. Without a sim card. Without service. I don't care if you racked up a $1400 cell bill and never paid it, that phone is worth more than just a paperweight. Great for keeping in your glovebox in case of a real emergency, not good as a substitute for those oversized rainbow sets of keys that babies seem to love. Several times a night I have the pleasure of listening to a baby coo and drool in my ear. In the meantime, some guy has just been stabbed by his pissed off baby mama, and he's listening to 911 just ring and ring and ring while he bleeds out. Please, take the phone away from precious precious baby-kins. The life you save could be your own. Or some guy who just got stabbed by his baby mama.

Whew, did you think that was it? I'm just getting warmed up! Pet peeves are like...well, I was going to say "potato chips", but that's pretty cliche. Pet peeves are like that Octomom's children. Bet you can't have just 14! But unlike Octomom, I know when to stop. I'm tired and headed for bed. More tomorrow, if you're lucky!