Last night I got a call on 911 about a barking dog. Not only did I give the caller the number to animal control, I also gave him the non emergency number for future reference. See what a great 911 operator I am? All about the customer service!
So when the guy couldn't get through to animal control, what do you think he did? Utilize the non emergency number I so painstakingly gave him? Of course not! That would have been too easy and actually make sense! He called 911. He told me that when he called animal control, he got a recording telling him that they don't handle nuisance animals and that he should hang up and call 911. Really? Animal control doesn't handle...animals? Hang up and call 911?
Ok, this guy is an idiot. I know exactly what the animal control recording says. Press 2 to file an animal complaint. I know that when he realized he wasn't going to get to a live person, he called 911 back, and made up some bullshit to convince me to send swat out to deal with this deadly emergency. Does he think I won't double check? I put him on hold, called animal control, listened to their recording, switched back over to him, and repeated it almost word for word.
Then I got the stutter. The stutter comes out when people know they've been caught. I love catching people in a lie! Score another point for me! He says "Uh..we...well, I was hoping there was an emergency number so I could reach someone tonight." To which I again have to advise him that his idea of an emergency and mine are very very different things. And if there was some other number I had to reach someone who would handle an after hours barking dog complaint, don't you think I'd give you that number in the first place? Holy crap man, give me some credit!!
People lie to us more than you'd think. Most of the time its during a domestic dispute. We have a series of questions we're required to ask. Anyone drunk or high? Anyone injured? Anyone armed with any weapons? Most often the answers are no, no and no. But every once in a while, we get no, no and pause...
I know what the pause means. I've just put an idea in my caller's head. Right now she's really really pissed because she caught baby daddy sexting with her best friend. How can she get him back? She wants him to go to jail! So she calls 911 and reports that he's beating on her. And when I ask about weapons, we've just started feeding the flames. She'll answer "yeah...yeah! He got a weapon!" So I have to ask what kind. Then I get "A knife. No, a gun, a gun. He got a gun." Ok. I can tell you're lying to me. You're not a very good liar. But I have to type what you say. You say he has a gun, I tell officers he's got a gun. Routine domestic just turned into every single officer swarming to the scene, lights and sirens, guns unholstered. Just went from DEFCON 5 to DEFCON 1, and your world is about to get rearranged. You'll see baby daddy slammed to the floor, cuffed with a knee in his back by one very pissed off officer. They don't like when people play with guns.
You'll see your apartment get torn apart as they search for the gun used in the domestic incident. When they don't find a gun, the officers will turn and look at you. It will be all at once, in slow motion. All creepy, Children of the Corn-like. And if you're smart, this is the part when you realize you just fucked yourself. You'll be arrested for false reporting and taken to jail. (We always catch people when they lie to us. I love it! Have I mentioned I love it?) If you're lucky, you'll get the cell next to baby daddy so you can continue your argument from there.
When you call 911, please be honest with your operator. Lying to us will not get you a faster, better response. It will get you in trouble. I swear, I will never lie to you. I'll never hide the super secret after hours barking dog complaint line phone number from you. All I ask is a little honesty in return.
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