I can't live, if living is without you...

The other night I had a guy call 911 to ask a question. He wanted to know if he could get arrested for driving on a suspended license, even if he was driving his baby mama to the hospital.

Um. Yes. So glad I could be of help. Please call back anytime you have a question. We're here 24 hours a day.

So many people think 911 is kind of a free, instant information bank. They call with all kinds of the stupidest questions you've ever heard. Here's just a few I've taken, personally.

1. Who won the football game? This guy was stuck in a dentist office waiting room with no TV and had to know who won. I do not make this stuff up, folks. I don't have to.

2. How do I get a possum out of my kitchen?

3. What time is it? We get this one a lot. People mistake us for that free service you used to be able to call that would say "At the tone, the time will be 3:55 pm...beep." Apparently that service no longer exists. But really? There are clocks everywhere! You mean to tell me you are not anywhere near a car, cell phone, ipod, computer, or digital bank display? Are you camping in Siberia?

4. A coworker of mine got a call on 911 from a woman asking how long she should cook a 16 pound turkey.

Some general questions we get a lot are questions on parenting (I have no kids. Just because I work at 911, I am not an instant expert on everything. I don't think you want my advice on parenting your teen. I'm of the mindset that spanking cures every child-related problem. Do you really want to call 911 and go there?), questions on custody and divorce (we are not lawyers. If we were, we would not be answering 911. We would be in some cushy non-government office, charging you ungodly amounts of money for the privilege of asking us stupid questions) and laws. Lots of people think we are police officers and know every single state and federal law off the tops of our heads.

Don't call me and ask if it is illegal to transport your dog in a crate on top of your car, or the maximum legal height for headlights on your lifted 1972 Chevy Blazer. I don't know. And I will tell you I don't know. I will even tell you I don't know where to send you to look for the information. Start with google. Its a very good place to start.

It makes me wonder how people survived for so long without 911. It is scary to think that people lack the basic critical thinking skills to search out the answers to life's questions.

Possum in the house? What part of your mind skips over "grab a broom and shoo him out" and zeros right in on "call 911!"? Football game score? Who could I call that might know the answer to that question? Mike? No, Mike is probably busy painting his back deck. I know! 911! Of course.