So what was he so mad about? Here's the situation. For some reason, he was watching one of those pay sites on the internet that hooks you up to a stranger's webcam, so you can watch live, while they do...whatever. He called to let me know there was a woman in my city who appears to be high on meth. He wanted me to track her down. But did he have her address? Nope, just the city she listed as her home town on her profile.
Great. I had to break it to him. At 911, we're not CSI. I don't care what you've seen on TV, we can't work miracles. Most people think the 911 center looks like the NASA headquarters or some such bullshit. We must have all types of up to date, high tech equipment, capable of locating anyone in the world at a moment's notice, by zeroing in on the distinct frequency of their DNA.
Think about it. When was the last time you were in a government building that was modern and high tech like that? No, admit it. Last time you were in a government building, you noticed a burned popcorn smell, aging plastic chairs (each missing one foot so they shifted and rocked when you sat down), grey walls with peeling paint, that annoying popcorn-y stuff on the ceiling, (inevitably with some kind of water stain in one corner), and florescent lights, one of which flickered incessantly as if its personal goal was to give you a splitting headache. Am I right? Thought so.
The truth is, most government agencies are strapped for cash. At 911, our computers are still running Office 2003 and we don't have internet access. You heard me. No internet. I guess that rules out access to the super secret spy network, too, huh?
Though I did my best to explain why I couldn't track this woman down, my caller kept insisting that they do it on TV all the time. Why couldn't I just give the website information to a detective? Well, he called at 5:30 in the morning on a Saturday. Detectives work in offices, from 9-5 Monday through Friday. If someone is murdered, they can be called in after hours. Even if there was a detective capable of somehow magically tracking down this woman, do you really think anyone is going to approve the overtime to call him in and get him started on the case of some random meth user? Not unless she did her meth, then shoved the syringe down someone else's throat and killed them with it. Not happening. Can you imagine if we did call in a detective for that and the taxpayers got wind of it? Whew, we'd never live that one down.
Plus, there's not anything a detective can do, either. He could try to contact the web site host and get the ISP address of the woman on the other end of the web cam. (I'm sure those types of sites are really forthcoming with this information, too!) He could go to the physical address if he was able to trace one to the ISP address (I have no idea how this part would be done...anyone?). But without a search warrant, he can't get any further than the front door. If for some reason he was able to arrest the woman for possession or some other petty little crime, she'd get booked and released because the jail is too crowded. Then she'd go get high.
But try explaining all this to some guy from the other side of the country, who just knows I'm sitting in a dark room, in front of a brightly lit, wall-to-wall LED screen, focusing my satellite guided x-ray eyes on both him, and the meth lady, yawning, then refusing to help him, just because I can.
Here's a little video of the NASA control room for you. This is the opposite of what 911 is like.
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