You can't always get what you want...

...but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.

This post is not safe for work or for the kiddos. Just saying.

This cop really knows how to keep his cool. I take verbal abuse over the phone pretty frequently, but I don't know if I'd be able to keep my cool if it happened to me in person like that. Just another reason I'm a 911 operator and not a cop.

So I don't get people who call 911 to report something, and then cuss me out because I can't tell them what they want to hear.

I mentioned before that I'm a little passive aggressive. So how do I handle my irate callers? Lets just say that the madder you get, the more pleasure I take in telling you no. I make sure to stay as polite as possible, but continue to repeat "I'm sorry, that's a report you'll have to file online." I'm really not trying to escalate things, but I keep a running tally next to my desk of how many times someone says "My tax dollars pay your salary!" and if I can get you to say it, that's another point for me!

*Telling me that your tax dollars pay my salary does not make me want to help you. Neither does calling me names, or threatening to get a lawyer, write a letter to the editor, or call your congressman. I'm not afraid of you. Or your congressman. I'm doing my job.

I've also noticed a disturbing trend that the most upset callers are the ones with the pettiest complaints. People who are upset about noise complaints, and people upset that the police don't respond in person to vehicle prowls are the absolute worst! I once got called a cocksucker and a bitch on the Fourth of July because I couldn't make the fireworks stop.

On the other hand, my calmest, coolest callers are the ones with the honest-to-god-life-and-death-every-second-counts emergencies. I've had a caller who had been shot 3 times calmly answer all of my questions about the suspect without once yelling "Just send the motherfucking cops!" The officers caught the suspect by the way, because I was able to type a full description into the call, rather than "caller uncooperative, just keeps yelling to send the police." Which is not helpful, if you want the guy who just shot you 3 times to actually get caught.

I also once had a caller who had cut off his thumb with a band saw. I would probably pee myself and pass out. My caller went inside, got a plastic baggie, filled it with ice, went back to the garage, found his thumb, put the thumb in the bag, then called 911, address ready, and politely asked for an ambulance. All while missing a thumb!

Also, kids. Kids are great. Not the kids who play on the phone, those kids are just a pain in my ass. But kids who are having a real emergency. Usually, this has to do with mom or dad passing out or "not waking up" in kid speak. Kids just want to know how they can help. They listen attentively, give every little detailed piece of information they think we might need, and they usually know where they are. If not, they know how to find out. I hate taking calls from scared kids because I feel so bad for them. (Yes I have feelings! Sometimes. ) But I'll take a call from a scared kid over a screamer any day of the week.

So callers, remember. I'm really not likely to bend the rules for you and give you what you want if you call me a cocksucker. Try being nice! If I've had a rough night, I'm likely to try and help you out just because I'm so relieved to have ONE nice caller.